Sunday, January 5, 2014

NY Resolution: Trying to let go of wedding guilt...6 months later

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move...on.”
Tupac Shakur

I do the above with every situation. EVERY situation. I analyze everything; I beat myself up about everything. I think about everything I would have done, should have done, could have done...and you know what that does for me?


In the spirit of the new year, I'm going to write about one of my new year's resolutions. Yes, I know resolutions are dumb and cliché, but I'm going to write about something that I really need to work on. Being a writer is not always easy, especially when you decide to write about something that pains you. It makes you vulnerable and it opens you up to critique from others. It's also cathartic and soul-cleansing. Therefore, I write.

I am inexplicably, overwhelmingly always racked with guilt. It paralyzes me, keeps me up at night, makes me feel sick, makes me cry for no reason and makes everyone around me, including my sweet husband, think I'm crazy. Except for my mother, because I seem to have inherited this unfortunate character flaw from my gorgeous mum. (Why couldn't I have inherited the gorgeous-ness?)

She's the only one that understands why I will cry myself to sleep over the dumbest things: things that don't even affect me or things that I can in no way control.

How do you stop feeling guilty about everything? How do you stop feeling guilty and badly for the things you have that others don't, or about things you should have/ shouldn't have said or done?

One of the main things I agonize about daily, six months later, is my beautiful wedding, which I understand is absolutely crazy.

Let me explain.

(Disclosure: This is sure to be a weird post, but writing is cheaper than therapy, which I probably need anyways. While writing this, I laughed, I cried, I became angry at myself and realized how dumb I was being, and I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Continue with caution.)

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
- Erma Bombeck

Guilt's a funny thing.
My wedding was beautiful, the people I loved were there and, yes I will say it, I looked gorgeous. My bouquet was perfect, my bridesmaids were gorgeous, I had a good eyebrow day, and we rode away from the venue in the kind of car I had always dreamed about that a couple from Chase's church generously offered to us free from charge.

Everything I wanted!

Except, there is a long list of things that I feel guilty about:

1. Not being able to enjoy it. In the days leading up to the wedding, I was running around the state of Oklahoma and trying to unpack that the day seemed to appear out of nowhere. I still haven't watched the recording of my wedding. I feel like my wedding should be a time I look fondly on. I do, for its beauty and getting married to Chase, but I have so much guilt, regret and anxiety about the day. RIDIC.

2. Not being able to spend time with my loved ones. I'm sad I didn't get to spend more time with my mom in the months before my wedding. We lived 5 hours apart from each other, I was in my first year of graduate school, and she was in her first year of teaching. It just wasn't the best time to plan a wedding, therefore I didn't enjoy a lot of it.

3. Not being able to spend time with my bridesmaids. I had grand plans for this, but once my friends from out of state came in, we did last minute things, and since the night before the wedding was still full of running around for stuff, I didn't get to spend time with them like I wanted to. It was rush, rush, rush. But know that I love each and every one of you and can't thank you enough for standing with me on my special day.

4. Not being the nicest to my sister. I'll admit that I was a little bit of a bridezilla. My then 15-year-old sister was my maid of honor, and I would get irritated if she didn't reply immediately to my texts about flowers or shoes. I don't think I was outright mean, but she is a teenager and had her own stuff going on. She also lived 5 hours away, and I didn't get to spend enough time with her either.

5. Having my wedding in Norman. My venue was beautiful and I loved that decor and things were provided, but I also had the wedding in a location away from my family and where Chase grew up. I feel so badly that people had to drive, spend the nights, etc. I was trying to pick the best place for us, guests and my out-of-town guests. When you didn't grow up somewhere, it's hard to pick a spot, especially when everyone is all over the state. And I feel badly. Which leads to...

6. My wedding wasn't what I had envisioned, which is no one's fault. I moved back to Oklahoma when I was 18 and didn't really spend time developing any friendships, except for a few. I'm just not a huge "friend" person. I'm all about family (although my bests feel like family!). It wasn't a typical wedding, I don't think. It wasn't like Chase and I had mutual friends or knew a lot of mutual people. On my side, it was my family and a few friends. I probably would have eloped if it had been up to me (I begged Chase multiple times!), but it was important to him that his family and people from the church he grew up in be able to attend. I had an afternoon wedding and although I had a cute popcorn bar and cake, I didn't have a meal. And I feel guilty for that.

7. I didn't get to do everything I wanted. With some things that occurred during our engagement and the days leading up to the wedding, I just didn't get to do everything I wanted. That was my own fault. I should have planned better.

8. Not being thinner/eating less/working out more/getting beauty treatments, etc. Although I do think I looked good on my wedding day, I wish I had lost more weight. And, I was reminded of that by a person close to me when, during dinner a couple days before my wedding, I put a dress on and she told me, "Only skinny people like ********* can wear those kind of dresses." It was hurtful, but I wore the dang dress in all of my curvy glory. I also wish I would have had facials done, etc., but I just didn't have the money at the time. Like I said before, some things just didn't happen as I had wanted them to. Oh, well.

Me in said dress.

9. It's hard for me to watch wedding shows or talk about weddings with other people or even see things about weddings on Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest. It makes me think of my guilt and regret about everything I did/didn't do. How crazy am I?

 NOW, here are some things I do love and I tell myself daily (because I agonize about my wedding DAILY) that a wedding is about marriage, not a wedding.

1. And, I have a great marriage. I've had people tell me about their first year of marriage and that it was difficult, but we haven't encountered that yet. Chase and I are best friends. We spend every moment we can together. I honestly never though a love like this could exist, as cheesy as that sounds. He just gets me. We respect each other and do things for each other. We love being around each other, we hardly argue, and marriage has felt like the most natural thing for us.
What matters: By the way, during out first dance, we talked about how long our song was and how hungry we were.
2. We have been so blessed this year. Chase has a great job, I've been blessed with my jobs and graduate school, we have a nice place to live, nice vehicles, we live in a great town, can afford the things we need and want, and we are both healthy.

3. We both have great families that would do anything in the world for us. We are close enough to drive to see our families whenever we want.
4. And SOOOO much more.

Don't get me wrong, my wedding was the best day of my life, because I became Chase's wife and get to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm just crazy.

In addition to everything about the wedding, I just feel guilt about everything (and, I mean EVERYTHING) and I'm tired of it. I constantly feel as though everything bad that happens is my fault. It drains me.

Does anyone else suffer from stupid-guiltitus or is just me and my mom? My mom will also feel guilty about the craziest things sometimes, and we both agree we need to find a guilt-anonymous group. Chase has threatened to slap me every time I say "I feel badly." But, I have yet to stop and he has yet to slap me.

How does everyone else handle guilt? 

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